Arabs Attempt to Re-make Friends Sitcom

Lebanese channel LBS has requested NBC's permission to re-make its popular sictom, Friends. FAN reported that LBS has been wanting to re-make the show ever since it ended its 10th season, but did not have the courage to ask NBC considering tense Middle East-American relations. However, in light of Karen Hughes and Condoleeza Rice's visits to the middle east, the chairman of LBS, George Labib, has decided it is the right time to make such a request. "Relations are getting better and we every confidence that NBC will grant us permission to re-make Friends."

NBC producers could not be reached for comments, but David Letterman told FAN in a private interview that he thinks "it's going to happen."

LBS's interest in Friends stems from the Middle East, and perhaps the entire world's, obsession with the six cast members, but also with Ross and Rachel. "When the show ended, I wept," claims Labib, "I couldn't fathom life without Friends, without the suspense of seeing Ross and Rachel's relationship being drawn out for another ten years." But after some thought, Labib decided that "the magic didn't have to die." "I felt that we could re-make the show so that we could feel their love all over again."

The project is a large one and likely to cost LBS a fortune, but it is a price LBS is willing to pay. "We have tons of funds donated from 'organizations' who want Friends back as well. I have it on high authority that Osama Bin Laden is infatuated with Rachel, despite her short-skirt ways, and has donated $50 million dollars for Jennifer Aniston's salary," said the PR manager for LBS. When asked if the original cast members were to be in the re-make, she said, "No, not all. Just Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer, even though we have heard complaints because he is Jewish, but the rest will not be asked to work with us."

In fact, the storyline is likely to change as well. From Labib, "Because we are keeping on Schwimmer, we have to appease our Wahabi audience and get rid of Chandler's character. While he marries Monica in the end, the show alludes homosexuality several times, which left us all convinced that he is in fact a closet homosexual. We cannot to his have such blatant male homosexuality, of course . And we cannot have Joey either, with his promiscuous ways. His character will be changed to a traditional Italian man who yearns to settle down with an Italian wife. Eventually, he will return to his roots, Italy, to find his bride.... But I'm giving away too much. Essentially, it will be the Ross and Rachel storyline, but no baby out of wedlock of course (except for the lesbian couple and Ben, we like them) and the other characters will be minor so we don't need the original cast members to carry the show."

If NBC approves the re-make, LBS will start shooting the first episode so that it is ready for the Ramadan sweeps.

Egyptian Fourth Grader Blames Zionists for Homework Mishap

As reported by The Sandmonkey news network:

Ahmed Sherif, a fourth grader in Egypt, went to school this morning without his math homework. When asked why he didn't have his homework, Sherif promptly burst into tears and said, "It was the Jews. They stole my homework when I was on my way to school." Unsure of what to do, the teacher, Mr. Waleed, told Sherif to calm down and gave him some 7-Up. He then asked for a full account of the incident.

"I was walking to school and stopped at a fool stand to buy a sandwich," said Sherif, "when all of a sudden these Jews attacked me and took my math homework. There were about six of them and they were very scary." When asked if that was all they took, Sherif replied, "Yes, they asked for it specifically. 'Where is your math homework?' they asked and I pulled it out for them. One even held my fool sandwich patiently while I got out my homework."

"This is part of a Zionist conspiracy," Mr. Waleed told OFP, "they don't want our children to advance in school. How can they become engineers if they can't do fourth grade math?" Mr. Waleed also added that this was Israel's new strategy to cripple the Middle East. "This is what is has come to, preying on children. Young Ahmed will forever be traumatized by encountering six Jews. We hadn't seen one since the Nasser revolution, except on TV of course, but to be bombarded by six in one day? Oh, the trauma."

It is reported that Egypt plans to investigate the events of the homework-stealing. "Attacking our children in their own neighborhoods is a serious offense," said a spokesperson for the Muslim Brotherhood who refused to be identified, "the Jews have gone too far and we will have to stop them. Homework is a serious business in Egypt. It could cripple the economy since children get their homework done at private lessons. But if they can't be guaranteed to deliver that homework to the classroom they will stop paying for private lessons. It would be a huge economic loss."

"You see how devious the Zionists are?" said taxi driver, Nabil El Masry, "When I heard they are trying to ruin our economy I couldn't believe they would stoop that low. I mean, we know that every day they try to sabotage us. Yesterday it was bird flu and today it is math homework. By God, what is next??"

Weekly Horoscopes: February 19-25

Aries (3/21-4/19)
No one but you will survive when Pakistan decides to send its army for a "friendly fire" display at your airport. Because you are the only survivor, you shall be the only one to realize that your country's alliance with Pakistan was in fact a bad idea.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)
Righteous as ever, you think you have the patience of Job. This confidence will be put to test at the end of the week when Bin Laden shows up to your house wanting to take a shower and use your daughter's razor to shave his beard.

Gemini (5/21-6/21)
No one will believe you when you say Hamas mistaking kidnapped you over the weekend thinking you were Danish. To prove this to others, check your ass for a branding of the word Lurpak.

Cancer (6/22-7/22)
You will get arrested early this week when the Ayatollah finds your graffiti on the side of his house. Next time, don't sign your name and telephone number at the bottom.

Leo (7/23-8/22)
Al Jazeera refuses to air your tape of apology for being part the most boring terror organization in the Middle East. Your list of sorries is long and includes apologies for never killing an infidel, for never burning an American or Israeli flag, and for continuing to buy Danish products despite having signed the TOU's (terrorist organization union) compliance form.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)
The world, sick of your drama, will publicly ask the Ayatollah to issue a fatwah against you. Hey, you wanted more attention.

Libra (9/23-10/22)
You will get disqualified from the winter Olympics for being Muslim. Make sure not to check 'other' at the Religion box on the registration form. They'll still know as it's the only religion-like, in the entire world- not listed on the form.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
Always tired of never having money, you will open the first strip club in Bahrain. Prices are as follows:
$5 to see a woman's ankle
$10 to see a woman's arm
$20 to see a woman's hair
$50 to see a woman's bra (an extra $500 to see the bra actually on the woman)
$100 to see Michael Jackson's nose
The bahraini government will shut you down mid-week for allowing a customer to touch Michael Jackson's nose.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
Obsessed with his mother, your son will develop an Oedipal complex and kill you and your three other wives so that his mother may live in peace.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
In order to prove your masculinity to your village, you will slaughter a lamb for dinner. However, it will be too much to your liking and the next day you will write Al Qaeda a letter volunteering your services. But you will stipulate your refusal to use a gun. Only knives for you. Only knives.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
Having never left home, you will arrive in the United States and freak out in the middle of New York City because you see gay men. You will then be shocked to discover that having "relations" with other men is in fact considered homosexuality in every country in the world except your own.

Pisces (2/19-3/10)
Since your parents refuse for you to have a boyfriend, you will try Internet dating instead since the Quran does not mention anything about the Internet (or computers for that matter).

Harry Potter Edited To Comply With Arab Censors

According to the MWDL (Movies We Dont Like) Organization, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix shall be heavily edited to comply with Arab censors. The movie, set to be released next year, is the first of the Harry Potter series that has drawn censor attention.

"We are really worried about the next Harry Potter," said Khaled Hassan, President of MWDL. "We allowed the first four to pass through despite their representations of sorcery." Because MWDL screeners are all affiliated with Al-Azhar in Cairo and the Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, the screeners have to watch out for content that may be considered un-Islamic. "So far we've allowed the movies to pass the screening test because we feel they create a backlash against the West. Muslims everywhere now understand how evil Britain is with its un-Christian ideas," said Hassan. "However, now we have to carefully censor Harry Potter Five."

The following is an interview with Hassan conducted by the OFP (Obviously Fictitious Press):

OFP: So how is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix different than the previous four?

Hassan: Oh, a lot of reasons. First off, we have to look at it in the context of world politics. Our mission is completed. Arabs hate Westerners. This has been one of the founding principles of MWDL. How do we get Muslims to hate Western culture? Give them their movies. Show them how evil Hollywood is. This has been a great strategy, if I may say so myself. Just look at the movies this past year. The Exorcism of Emily Rose has sent more people to the mosque than the threat of hell-fire and damnation ever could. And what about Chicken Little? Arabs saw right through America's plan to get us to love chicken and therefore import and consume more bird-flu infected poultry.

OFP: Really? Arabs saw that?

Hassan: Well, with a little help from our subtitles. We, ah, changed the translation of a few things to make it clear what America's plan was.

OFP: Um, okay. But all this still doesn't answer my question about Harry Potter.

Hassan: Don't be insolent.

OFP: But I wasn't being..

Hassan: Shut it. I'm still explaining my theory on world politics. Basically, by next year, we won't need this strategy anymore. People will be blindly hating the West that they will not need to be exposed to their movies. We don't want to incite things, you know.

OFP: No, of course not.

Hassan: So we will not need to show Harry Potter to get people to hate Brits.

OFP: Ok.... So you plan to ban all Western films then?

Hassan: No, no, you are twisting my words. We are not banning anything. We are simply editing the movie for questionable content.

OFP: I see. Can you give us an example of what you consider 'questionable content'?

Hassan: Yes, yes. We have read the book. It took as a while to get through it all. J.K. Rowling isn't the greatest writer, you know. But we read it and found that the relationship between Hermione and Ron to be a source of problems. They're getting older, you know, the hormones and all, and we cannot have teenagers having crushes on each other. It sends the wrong message to our youth.

OFP: But witch craft doesn't?

Hassan: No, no, it does. That's why we're cutting out all the parts that have magic or sorcery.

OFP: What? Isn't that the whole movie?

Hassan: No, we shall keep any part of the movie that does not have magic or sorcery.

OFP: Um, have you seen the last four movies?

Hassan: Not really. I told you we didn't screen the last four because it was important for our culture to see these movies. Why would we waste time going through them?

OFP: Um, okay. Well, I guess this is all the time we have. Thank you very much Mr. Khaled Hassan for taking the time to speak with us.

Hassan: Dr. Hassan, if you please.

OFP: Ok, Dr. Hassan.......

Since this interview MWDL's sister organization, BWDL, has edited the book, Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix down from 766 pages to 13 pages. BWDL is very pleased with this effort and has reportedly sent a letter to J.K. Rowling suggesting a plot for the next book in the series. Hassan has read the letter and is in full agreement with BWDL. "We feel that Harry should reject sorcery and convert to Islam."

Danes Omit 'Cartoon' from Vocabulary

From DFN (Denmark Fibbing Network)- In a recent move to end the drama surrounding the Danish cartoons of the Muslim prophet, Denmark has decided to omit the word "cartoon" from its vocabulary. The Queen, sick of people calling for her death over the Mohamed cartoons, and of the lewd cartoon characterizations of her person since September, has decreed that "cartoon" is banished from the Danish dictionary.

"I think it will do our country a world of good if we banish the C word," said the Queen in a public statement Wednesday evening, "The rest of the world should follow our suit."

Other European countries have supported the Queen's decision, claiming it's yet another move towards democracy. "The Queen has my full support," said President Putin in a Press Conference for the return of the KGB, "While I loved those cartoons of the Queen in drag, I think my experience would have been enhanced if the word 'cartoon' was forbidden." Russia is planning to issue a statement tonight banning "cartoon" from all slavic languages. "It's enough we've got movies and books causing havoc," added Putin, "Cartoons are just too much. Look at what Charlie Brown did to the world? And we won't even know the extent of its effects until years to come."

Britain and France plan to issue similar statements in the coming weeks in support of the banning. France also plans to ban related words from its vocabulary, including "pepe le pui" and "Nemo." "We're tired of people singing La Mer from the fish movie," said a French citizen, "No more N-word." Britain is not taking such drastic measures and has simply decided to omit the word "Irish" from its language.

The United States, not to be outdone by its European allies, is compiling a dictionary of banned word, to be released later this year in conjungtion with an ammended transcript of the Patriot Act.

Kevin Federline Takes Nancy Ajram to Pizza Hut

From the Faux Arab Network's entertainment section:

Eyewitnesses in Beirut saw Nancy Ajram and Kevin Federline, Britney Spears's husband, dine at an area Pizza Hut Monday night. The couple sat in a corner booth, oblivious to staring Pizza Hut customers and employees, and ordered one medium pan pepperoni pizza, most of which Federline ate, and two diet cokes.

"They looked very in love," said one customer who was sitting in the booth behind them and kept getting on his knees on the seat to look over the barrier at them. "Nancy didn't even notice when I was practically on top of Kevin's head. I even took a picture with flash, but she didn't blink."

The couple reportedly met after Ajram displayed interest in Federline's music. She wanted to sing Federline's Popozao in Arabic, said Ajram's manager in an interview with LBS. "We contaced Kevin's agent, which wasn't easy considering the guy didnt have a phone or a fax, and so we had to go to his office somewhere in Brooklyn. It was a horrifying experience for Nancy to enter that rat-infested builing, but she really wanted to sing Popozao."

After the deal was signed with Federline's manager, Ajram researched the hip hop singer's personal life. "She went on his website and read his words and started to fall in love," said Ajram's cousin. "She was very anxious to meet him."

FAN obtained a copy of Federline's homepage transcript, which included the words that first attracted Ajram:

Hey Everyone, I don't think we've ever been formally introduced. My name is Kevin Federline. I'm 6 feet tall, have brown hair and brown eyes. I enjoy horseback riding, long walks on the beach and the wind whipping through my hair. Ha ha ha. On a more serious note, there's going to be a lot more information and updates on here in the coming weeks and I think this will provide you with the opportunity to get to know who I really am.

Once Ajram met Federline, she going public with her feelings. In a concert in New York, she performed wearing a black t-shirt with the letters KFED in bright orange displayed across her chest. Later that same night, Ajram told Mike, the bartender at a NY club, that Federline was her "boyfriend" and gushed how hot he was with his baggy pants and dazzling collection of baseball caps. "She seemed genuinely excited about Kevin's style," said Mike. "I didnt want to tell her that it was the standard dress for all American teenagers and that Kevin's a loser if he's still dressing that way in his '20s." When asked if Ajram is aware of Federline's marriage to Spears, Mike replied, "Yeah, she mentioned Britney. Seems like Nancy's only problem with her is that Britney's plastic surgery sucks. Nancy pulled out before and after pictures of herself to show how her surgeon did a much better job." "It was weird," he added. "Really weird."

FAN could not contact Britney Spears because she was busy babysitting Federline's two kids from Shar Jackson, and her own son from Federline. However, Britney's mom did hear about Ajram's crush and told FAN that she was worried "K-Fed" would get another celebrity pregnant. "I worry that Britney will have to take in yet another Federline child. Brit's a child herself and having to care for three kids right now is taking a toll on her. She doesn't have time to touch up her roots or try new makeup products. It's really K-Fed's fault that she's been looking so run down lately."

Federline and Ajram are planning to sing a duet of popozao at a protest over the Danish cartoons later this month in Gaza when Hamas celebrates the end of the month of February and it's "wicked valentine ways," said Ajram's manager. "I think Kevin's really excited about reaching an international audience. He's been talking to his fashion consultant about wearing boxers with the Palestinian flag on the back."

Cheney Imprisoned in Iraq

According to reports from the BBN- Baghdad's Bogus Newspaper- Dick Cheney was sent to Iraq immediately following his hunting "accident." The vice president, who "accidentally" shot a fellow hunter while aiming for a rather elusive quail in Texas, reportedly begged President Bush not to send him to Iraq. "Please Georgie," he pleaded, "you know what it's like to accidentally shoot someone." On-lookers stated that Bush looked sheepish after Cheney's plea, but still needed to "right the wrong" and punish Cheney.

A White House insider, who refused to be identified out of fear of Condoleezza Rice's wrath, revealed to BBN that Rice is the mastermind behind Cheney's punishment. "Condie wants him out. She's tired of having to defend the administration's idiots. One Bush is enough," said the insider, "and since Cheney is useless anyway, and probably going to embarass us soon by having another heart attack, we might as well send him to Iraq." Bush reportedly begged Rice not to send his "best friend in the whole wide world" to Iraq, but Rice insisted that "Dickie" would be just find. The insider also whispered conspiratorially and seductively into the BBN reporter's ear that the hunting accident was in fact, "no accident." The injured hunter, Tom Green, reportedly called Cheney, "a fatso" who couldn't shoot a grazing cow, much less a pigeon in flight. An enraged Cheney then tried to shoot Green in the face, but missed and only sprayed his arch enemy. Cheney refused to comment on these allegations.

So how is Cheney doing in Iraq?
The vice president is well taken care of, say the prison guards. He is reportedly in Syriabalad Prison, South of Baghdad, where they quarantine bird flu victims. "It serves him right," said a U.S. commander stationed in Baghdad, speaking on the condition of anonymity, "If he contracts the bird flu, well that will just teach him not to hunt down chickens. And to lose weight. The military doesn't like fat asses who can't shoot."